We are weak. We desire more more more always. Being better, being first, being successful. I just had that experience. I went for a little so-called chat with some recruitment firm's client... (will not name names to maintain privacy). But through the experience, I realised a few things. That I was not confident. That I was not cut out for the job. That I was not adequately experienced nor skilled for the job. What would one do in these situations? Of course, feel a bit lousy.
But upon reflecting upon it today, I realise that there is a christian way to react to this.
Firstly, it would be ok to feel low, because we are human after all and we all have high & low feelings. But it doesn't mean that if we feel low, that God is not with us. The point is God is always there.
The second thing, is that to even Realise that God is there, is an act of His "Grace" touching us, his Love touching us. ARE we open enough to realise it or do we bury ourselves in Hurt-feelings such as "why did God make me the way i am" or regretful thoughts such as "why didn't I study this or that so that I could be better skilled in that area?"
Thirdly, I actually wondered, if all my time at church was a so-called "cover-up" for all these worldly weaknesses. I wondered if what some people told me before is right. They said that could it be that I serve in church because it makes me feel good, and makes me feel ok, and in doing so, benchmark myself against "church people" who are sometimes, very simple and not-ambitious (sorry guys, I actually did get this discussion before).... I wondered if in actual fact, I was not using my time & energy to improve my skills and do "better" in life in general. BUT..... Thinking this way is actually directly contradicting what Jesus said, coz he said in Mark Chapter 10, that those who are first will be last and those who are last will be first.
We are made for a purpose, to worship God and to Love Him and spread the Good News. God also uses the weak to shame the strong. There HAS to be a purpose why we are weak in some areas and strong in some areas. Not everyone is strong in ALL areas. SO it makes no sense to harp on our weaknesses, but to embrace it lovingly as God's creation, our unique self, is to Love ourselves and Love God's creation in us.
And so Lastly, I found myself asking "What is the purpose of life"? Citing "in jest" my favourite passage of Ecclessiastes Ch. 1, "everything is meaningless".... (read an ecclesiastes reflection here)... In this context, if I push myself harder (if i were to learn so much skills and actually clinch a top-flying job of ideal choice) - would that satisfy me? NO. IF I were to relax and chill and pass life with no worries and so forth, would that satisfy me? NO. So how can I live life without being satisfied?
To this, I had just only one answer which is that of St. Augustine's words: "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."
So I promptly went online and found the writings below, and I am so inspired. Praise God for this Grace and experience. We learn each day upon reflecting upon Him indeed!
Read more of St. Augustine's writing at this short article (click here)
Excerpt:
Who will grant it to me to find peace in you? Who will grant me this grace, that you should come into my heart and inebriate it, enabling me to forget the evils that beset me and embrace you, my only good? What are you to me? Have mercy on me, so that I may tell. What indeed am I to you, that you should command me to love you, and grow angry with me if I do not, and threaten me with enormous woes? Is not the failure to love you woe enough in itself?
Finally, I end my reflection with a last scripture passage below, which coincidently (or rather the Holy Spirit must have been speaking to my deaf ears) I had remembered this in my thoughts casually sometime recently but forgot about it till now...
MARK 10: 18 - 31
As he was setting out on a journey, a man ran up, knelt down before him, and asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus answered him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. You know the commandments: 'You shall not kill; you shall not commit adultery; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness; you shall not defraud; honor your father and your mother.'" He replied and said to him, "Teacher, all of these I have observed from my youth."
Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, "You are lacking in one thing. Go, sell what you have, and give to (the) poor and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me."
At that statement his face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions. Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!" The disciples were amazed at his words. So Jesus again said to them in reply, "Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to pass through (the) eye of (a) needle than for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." They were exceedingly astonished and said among themselves, "Then who can be saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "For human beings it is impossible, but not for God. All things are possible for God." Peter began to say to him, "We have given up everything and followed you."Jesus said, "Amen, I say to you, there is no one who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive a hundred times more now in this present age: houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and eternal life in the age to come. But many that are first will be last, and (the) last will be first."
