What life is all about

Have been thinking of what life is all about. I know I am not seen as enthusiastic in serving as the others and I only appear during Youth Mass. I guess sometimes, it is just too tiring to explain. Only God knows.

Have been facing the topic of death. My neighbour jumped down from our flat three weeks ago. This incident alone has great impact on me as it triggered a series of matters. I wonder why God wanted me to see this incident and I don't believe it was coincidental. I looked down from the 6th storey and he was lying there with his face up facing me directly. It was bloody. Image of that scene still haunt me till now. As I was going for work at that time, her daughter was screaming and crying beside him on the spot.

I think God wanted me to face and deal with certain issues. It triggered my childhood nightmares. I used to see myself jumping down from the top of a Boon Lay shopping centre near my house in my childhood dreams. There was a long period of time when I was scared of walking near parapets of the buildings and bridges. My neighbour's suicide also triggered the memory of my friend who jumped down from his old flat and ended up lying near the lift, similar to the spot where my neighbour lied since he died near the lift.

Before my neighbour's suicide, I visited my family doctor. He suspected certain condition which may cost my life within hours though my symptoms were inconsistent.

Somehow, all these incidents asked me to stop rushing through life with all sorts of activities. I really take these few weeks to rest and reflect what is important. I know more clearly what I want. I ask God to give me more time. I love life.

Two weeks ago, God showed me how beautiful life is. I attended a mass at one of the parishes. The deaf and mute were invited to join the parishioners for mass. It was really awesome and beautiful to see them worshipping and praising God with sign languages. Though we use our voices while they used sign language, it was a wonderful feeling to celebrate the mass together. We are still one no matter how we communicate and worship God. I cried after that. No words can ever describe that wonderful, nice, peaceful and loving feeling. That was the best and most beautiful mass I have ever attended. I also felt sad for my deceased neighbour as he can no longer see the beauty of life.

Don't know why I tell God I want more time to get into university and complete my higher education as I love studies, get married and bring lives into this world. Even if I were to lose my life for bringing my own children into this world, I am willing to. I want to experience life. I am also curious about the experience of having a new life in the womb. I don't want to miss these wonderful experiences. I don't deny life is tough. However, these challenges help me to see and accentuate the goodness and grace from God. These challenges mold my character and I am able to share the joy and beauty with others. Without these challenges, I can never get to go through the experience of seeing the sun in the midst of dark clouds and my life will never be colorful. Imagine if I only see the sun without dark clouds, I think I will be dehydrated to death. Haha....don't know what I am babbling....

I want my children to get all blessings that I have. Each morning I wake up, I thank God for giving me another day as His grace for me. It's a free gift I don't have to earn. I know clearer what I want. I treasure even more the time I have with my friends and family. I feel happy when I see them happy. It's a joy when you see your loved ones happy though they will not be with me forever and this makes these moments with them even more precious. It is also a joy to see them happy from far.

I guess love is not about possession. It also gives me ideas about romance and marriage. If you love someone, you will see that person as part of you (just like the idea of people making up the body of Christ) and all you want is to see them happy. If he is feeling down, you will try to encourage him, make him laugh or simply be present. You will never force things to go your way. Because, this will ultimately cause him to fell pressurized and unhappy which will make you unhappy and miserable even if you possess him and manage to get your ways. So, what's the point of satisfying your own desires which may not be his, which is not even God's will? When it is God's time, He will bless us with the best right one. Till now, I still think it is a nice feeling to love. Of course, I also have to allow people to love me lah.....as God also loves me through other people.

I love God and life. No matter how tough life can be, life, itself, is beauty and grace from God. Though a lot of tears and fear during this dark period of time, I thank God for giving me a chance to look within myself deeper and see more clearly who I am and what I want out of life. I thank God for giving me each day of my life to see my loved ones and receive his blessings and grace. Haha....God is Love.

With Christ love,
Elena